Quantum Bullshit and Other Crimes Against Sanity

"In the beginning, there was motion. And then the physicists turned it into a mystery cult." - Null Prophet

Contents

1. Introduction: Why You Don’t Need a Lab Coat to Call Bullshit

2. The Quantum Buzzword Generator™

3. Superposition: Schrödinger’s Cat and Other Fictional Bastards

4. The Double-Slit Debacle: Now with Less Woo

5. Bohmian Mechanics: Physics for People Who Think Toast Is Real

6. Relativity: Or Why Time Is a Lying Bastard

7. The Standard Model: A Shaky IKEA Table of Particles

8. Size Matters: Physics, Scale, and Why You Can’t Walk Through Walls

9. Consciousness Doesn’t Collapse Shit

10. Null Prophet Intermission: “The Observer Is a Myth”

11. Unification: The Fantasy of the One True Theory

12. Closing Rant: Common Sense Is the Final Frontier

13. Appendix: Quantum Bullshit Bingo

1.  Introduction: Why You Don’t Need a Lab Coat to Call Bullshit

You’re here because something in the back of your brain screamed “That doesn’t make any fucking sense” the moment someone told you:

“Actually, the electron exists in all possible locations until you observe it.”

And you were right.

2. The Quantum Buzzword Generator™

 Physicists be like:

“When you collapse the observer-relative state vector in Hilbert space, decoherence emerges from the entangled basis of the probabilistic eigenstates.”

Translation:

“We don’t know where it is. Shit’s small. Shit’s fast. Deal with it.”

3. Superposition: Schrödinger’s Cat and Other Fictional Bastards

No cat is both dead and alive. That’s not physics. That’s a Victorian acid dream.

Superposition just means:

“The math describes possibilities until something interacts with it.”

Which is the case for, you know, everything. Including pizza deliveries.

4. The Double-Slit Debacle: Now With Less Woo

Copenhagen Interpretation:

The electron goes through both slits like a ghost and interferes with itself. Then it “collapses” when you look at it.

Bohmian Interpretation:

The electron goes through one slit. A wave goes through both. The wave messes with the path. Done.

Also, nobody “collapses” anything. You’re not magic. You’re not Neo. You’re just a meat bag with curiosity and a microwave.

5. Bohmian Mechanics: Physics for People Who Think Toast Is Real

Bohm says:

“Particles are real. They have a path. The wave guides them.”

That’s it. Like a surfer riding a wave. Except the surfer is an electron, the wave is quantum probability, and nobody has to invent infinite alternate universes to make sense of it.

6. Relativity: Or Why Time Is a Lying Bastard

Einstein walked into Newton’s house, flipped the table, and said:

“Time isn’t absolute. Space time bends light. Also, you age slower on a spaceship.”

Meanwhile, gravity turned out to be geometry and GPS had to be rewritten.

And yet, balls still fall. So, Newton wasn’t wrong. He was just localized.

7. The Standard Model: A Shaky IKEA Table of Particles

It has:

• 17 fundamental particles

• 4 forces

• A missing manual

It doesn’t explain:

• Gravity

• Why anything has mass

• Why your microwave doesn’t tunnel into another universe

We still use it. But it’s held together with duct tape, caffeine, and fear.

8. Size Matters: Physics, Scale, and Why You Can’t Walk Through Walls

At quantum scales: everything is jittery and probabilistic.

At cosmic scales: space-time bends, and clocks lie.

Between those? You. Hitting snooze and dropping your toast jam-side down.

Physics isn’t wrong - just incomplete, contextual, and often misunderstood.

9. Consciousness Doesn’t Collapse Shit

No, Karen. Your brainwaves don’t influence the electron.
Measuring = interacting = disturbing = changing the outcome.

It’s not you. It’s the flashlight. It’s the particle detector.
You’re just standing there like an extra on CSI: Quantum.

10. Null Prophet Intermission: “The Observer Is a Myth”

“They say the observer shapes the world.
But what is observed was always real.
What changed was your awareness.
The wave did not collapse.
You did.
In the end, the universe measures itself.
And you? You are its short-term tenant.”

11. Unification: The Fantasy of the One True Theory

Physicists want one big, unified theory - gravity, electromagnetism, quantum stuff - all tied together like some nerdy Avengers mashup.

What we’ve got:

• Gravity hates quantum mechanics.

• Quantum mechanics hates being observed.

• And string theory is that guy who keeps showing up to the party uninvited.

We’re not unified.
We’re duct-taped.

12. Closing Rant: Common Sense Is the Final Frontier

You’re allowed to say:

• “That sounds like bollocks.”

• “Why are we adding extra universes again?”

• “Is this model predictive, or just poetic?”

Because science, real science, isn’t about believing weirder things than religion.
It’s about cutting through bullshit until only the useful remains.

13. Appendix: Quantum Bullshit Bingo

"Collapse the wavefunction" - 1 shot

"Observer-dependent reality" - 2 shots

"Infinite parallel universes" - Chug the bottle

"Quantum consciousness" - Flip the table

"We don’t understand it either" - Give that man a medal